Wining and dining

As most have undoubtedly heard already, fairly recently I broke with a long-standing prohibition and ventured into a realm I had never hitherto explored. Something that for so long had gone unquestioned - a foregone conclusion - I decided to challenge. I called Gladys on the phone to tell him the news. "I want to go to San Francisco for Pride and get drunk". Gladys, shocked, repeated my statement aloud which thereby leaked the decision to several other friends who were present.

My reasoning that led me to begin considering reversing my long-time ban might seem a little backwards. I realized that actually, without my religious beliefs anymore, I didn't really have any valid reasons not to try it. Since shying away from the Church, I was no longer constrained by a religious promise to abstain. I realized that in the Christian world, drinking wasn't really a big deal, in fact, most probably did. Sure, showing up with a hangover to Sunday services would be looked down upon, as would any riotous conduct under the influence, but the truth was most people with similar religious beliefs to my former ones didn't have a problem with it.

As I began examining my other reasons, I found that they didn't really hold out either. Alcohol in moderate amounts, I found, was not harmful to your health. No one was encouraging you to start, but their big caution was to be moderate. In short, my reasons quickly evaporated. My real reason was, well, it was what I was accustomed to, and what made me feel comfortable. But recently - recently, I'd started becoming more and more curious as I spent time with coworkers and friends who all drank.

I discussed my upcoming San Fran adventure (minus the Pride part) with coworkers in the office. The Muslim, at first, was pretty upset. He wouldn't come out and say it, but his body language betrayed him. We've become pretty good friends in the office, and I think he was bummed to lose his one ally on the non-drinking side. The Southern Belle and the Ogre however were excited for my new adventure. By the end of the conversation, I had promised at least a drunken text message, if not a drunken call, to all three on the eve of my fun.

As it turned out, I had a marvelous time and enjoyed myself thoroughly. Gladys took care to supervise me and ensure my experience was more positive than his first (on his first night he'd had a bunch of people eager to have him sample every alcohol under the sun which led to a gross encounter with the toilet on the floor of a public fast-food restroom). We giggled like school girls while shhsh'ing each other in the hallway of our hotel as we came in late that night. I dutifully text my coworkers, as required, as well as my sister, and another friend back home. I then proceeded to call the Southern Belle and sing a drunken message into her voicemail. Little did she know, but this was to become a bit of a habit when I drink - when I cross a certain threshold, yes, I'm a drunk dialer, but more specifically, I call the Southern Belle.

Take, for example, my night of very, VERY drunken behavior three weeks ago (one of the very ones I was warned by all those informative agencies and health groups that I shouldn't be having). First, I had a beer with two coworkers after work while discussing a project. Then, I had a beer with some other coworkers from the office at another establishment. Later than evening, I joined them at a bar where I had a shot. Now, my alcohol to time ratio was pretty good at this point, I'd been very calm. Then, I joined the Ogre, his wife, and some friends at his apartment. There I consumed a glass of wine, and then the Ogre broke out the whiskey (Southern Comfort to be exact). Mixed with a little Sprite it was delicious! Apparently at this point I began to become rather intoxicated, because when the Ogre went to prepare me a second SoCo and Sprite, I exclaimed "What, are you watering it down?" Well, that, of course, got me a very strong drink, which, of course, I loved.

At some point between the second glass of liquor and the fourth, with the beer from the drinking game we were playing mixed in, I phoned the Southern Belle. Twice. At 2:45 and 3:30 AM, to be specific. The first time she missed the call, but the second one woke her. The Belle would later tell me that she simply heard laughing in the background followed by me exclaiming: "I am so drunk", and hanging up.

Well, about 4 AM I took a break to hit the bathroom, laughing at myself because I was so thoroughly enjoying my present state. Suddenly - violently - a switch flipped. My body decided within a few seconds that it was done. REALLY done. In fact, decided my body, maybe it had been done a drink or two ago. Now, I had assumed that my body would let me know when it was done with alcohol and, of course, I'd stop. Rather, my body decided ex post facto that it has missed the station it was supposed to get off at. Instead, my body decided that backing the train up would be preferable. Without almost any time to react, and in a bit of shock, I became a living fire hose and covered two walls, the floor, and the exterior of the toilet. My coworker's two friends, whom I had just met, came and helped me clean up. (Truthfully, they did most of the cleaning, as I backed the train up a few more times in the sink while they were cleaning up the toilet area).

At this point I apparently kicked the girls out of the bathroom so I could take a dump (I guess that's what was on my mind at that point? I dunno. Reports differ as to whether I kicked people out or announced it and started undoing my pants). I then went and layed down on the floor in the living room. The Ogre's drunken wife began panicking that I wasn't laying in a bed and apparently cleared me a 6-inch wide path through all their junk in the spare bedroom to the bed, although I stayed put. The girls then positioned plastic bags on either side of me so I could readily find one, if need be. I did have to once, after which I apparently proclaimed "I need all new bags", which the drunken girls then took to proclaiming and made happen. The entire thing was a big farce with the blind leading the blind (or rather the drunken the drunk). Honestly though, it was one of the funnest nights I've had in a while.